Jinkoidization

     I woke up to the sound of chirping birds outside my open window, glimpsed at the bluest sky close to the color of the shallow part of the sea and felt the cool morning breeze without the hint of summer. I can almost smell the crashing waves. Just perfect! I went down and fix myself a cup of coffee. And then there's my Mom...

     ---and then there's my Mom! I will leave it like that. I will not print here what she said (as yes, aside from I love and honor her, it will have no bearing in my story) but they're enough to send me running back to my room, sit in a corner and travel back to my childhood.

     My Dad used to drink a lot. Whenever he's drunk, he guaranteed to make my Elementary days ( between 6 to 12 years old) heartbreaking. When I was 6, he told me I should not dance because I'm not good at it. At 7, he went on to say I'm no good with household chores. At 8, he turned off the light while I was doing my school assignments at night because he said I'm too slow to finish them. Between 9 to 16, he centered on me being a whore.

     And now double the age, can it get any worse? Yes. I find myself struggling with the same habit I ultimately abhor! Although not offensively but defensively, I am easily triggered to fight back, to retaliate, answer back harshly and whenever I realize I've fallen into the same trap, it is the worst feeling in the world! I would hate myself so much enough to self-destruct.

     Family, father's love and TRUST are some of the vaguest ideas to me. And my words and actions are but a mere reflection of my reality. I do not in any way promote the mentality of victimhood as an excuse for such behavior. My point exactly is, we should be easier, more patient and a little nicer to others but especially to ourselves, quick to forgive and overlook weaknesses as we are not entirely self-made. Each of us is essentially partly because of our past. The sooner we realize this, the better we also understand other people, the sooner we start to listen to what they really mean to communicate.

     So that's it. Whatever.

     (Translation: In the end, all is well. I am in good terms with both my parents and I believe that I am a work in progress. But come to think of it, a finished product is a finished life. So yes, I am happy the way I am right now. This is not in any way to humiliate my parents but a reminder that hope springs eternal.)